finals.....graduate school applications....

Oh I just had to write down what I have thinking about this past weekend because I think way too much. As my friend Lauren told me, "its the curse of having a highly active, analytical mind."

Graduate schools is coming into my mind again because I noticed that the deadline for UNC is in a week! I'm rushing to get my letters of recommendations and my personal statement written before then. On top of studying for my finals and finishing the last few lab reports.

But in reality, I'm scared.

I'm scared because I have no idea where God wants me to be. I have been praying about it for a very long time....ever since last spring semester. He has shown me a little bit and pointed me in a general direction because I have a passion to further my education. The top two important questions are: Where to go? and will I even get in? there are so many choices.....so many different pathways.....what is the best for me? What kind of job am I going to get if I don't get into a big name school for chemistry? Will I ever have high confidence in myself to succeed in graduate school? Will I get the respect in the future endeavors that I work so hard for ? Should I take time off and get work experience before going back?

I hate these questions. I hate them because they cause me to worry about something that isn't in my control. All the thinking keeps me from acting; from even starting the process in simply applying. Ultimately it causes me to look to what others think of me, or where I get my education and the grades I receive. When I look beyond those questions, I see that I am putting up idols again. Placing importance on other things to define my success or identity before God. That is wrong, unsatisfying to me, and will take me down a path I don't want to return to. Who I am is found in Christ alone. He gave me a passion for chemistry for a purpose and I have to constantly remind myself that His plan for my life will unfold in His time. Not in my time. I pray everyday for His peace to overwhelm me.....to quiet my highly active, analytical mind.

As my dad told my brother and the other day told me: "you have to shut off your brain, tell it to be quiet and rest in the fact that God has it all under control." Even if I don't know where God is telling me to go, I have to initiate the process. Then when the time comes he will open up doors and close windows......"